You might be a member of the taliban if

You Might Be a Member of the Taliban or Al Qaeda if...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.  

You could have heard a pin drop

You Could Hear a Pin Drop...

from The Armed Canadian by The Armed Canadian

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying: "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?".

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S, English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.  Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English."  He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"  Without hesitating, the American

Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  "You have been to France before , monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."  The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."  "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"  The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

And finally...

What Is A Veteran?

A 'Veteran' -- whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve -- is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America,' for an amount of "up to, and including his life."

That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country today, who no longer understand that fact.

The Man Rules

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.  ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)  We always hear " the rules " From the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side. 

These are our rules!  Please note..these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.  ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Strange Famous Last Words

Strange Famous Last Words

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. - Francisco ("Pancho") Villa 

I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast! - "Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber 

Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Get these fucking nuns away from me. - Norman Douglas

Don't worry...it's not loaded... - Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.

Is someone hurt? - Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! - Groucho Marx

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! - Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were

I have a terrific headache. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring. - Richard Feynman

Drink to me! - Pablo Picasso

I have not told half of what I saw. - Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying. - Jean Cocteau

Dammit... Don't you dare ask God to help me. - Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.

Lord help my poor soul - Edgar Allan Poe

Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room. - Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999

I have tried so hard to do right. - Grover Cleveland, US President, died 1908

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain. - Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young.

In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide. - 30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later.

It's very beautiful over there. - Thomas Edison

Now why did I do that? - General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813. 

Don't worry, relax! - Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.

No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die. - Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.

I really need a therapist' - Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Greece

I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man. - Che Guevara

I'm tired of fighting. - Harry Houdini

I see black light. - Victor Hugo

LSD, 100 kilograms I.M. - Aldous Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.

Let me go to the Father's house - Pope John Paul II

I'm bored with it all. - Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.

I know not what tomorrow will bring. - Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet

Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you. - Mother Teresa

Don't disturb my circles! - Archimedes

I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to return. - Frida Kahlo

Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool - good luck. (suicide note) - George Sanders, Actor

They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance. - General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it.

Dying is easy, comedy is hard. - George Bernard Shaw

I'm losing. - Frank Sinatra

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt? - 
Socrates

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go. - Oscar Wilde

Alex Pepperberg's last words before he died were, "You be good. See you tomorrow. I love you." Alex was a 31 year old gray parrot. - New York Times, 9/11/07  

Anybody Everybody

Once upon a time there were four people named

Everybody,

Somebody,

Nobody, and

Anybody.

When there was an important job to be done

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it,

but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it,

Everybody got angry

because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it,

but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So it ended up that

Everybody blamed Somebody when

Nobody did what

Anybody could have done

in the first place.

5 Minute Management Course

Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story :

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

******************

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak"  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

*****************************

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."  "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."  Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

*****************************

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"  The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high > >> up.

******************************

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

***********

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep , it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Nancy Pelosi want your guns

From the Washington Times Newspaper

EDITORIAL: 'We want them registered' Democrats are going after guns By
| Monday, April 13, 2009

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, California Democrat, announced last week that she wants to register guns. Her next move will be to try to confiscate them.

  The speaker picked a television show with a viewership of 4.6 million to float the Democrats' coming gun-control push. Questioned on ABC's "Good Morning America" about the prospect of new gun-control laws now that "it's a Democratic president, a Democratic House," she responded, "We don't want to take their guns away. We want them registered."

  Politicians and bureaucrats routinely claim that registration helps solve crimes. If a registered gun is used in a crime and left at the crime scene, registration supposedly lets the police trace the gun back to the criminal. Though this turn of events might work on fictional TV crime shows, it virtually never occurs in real life. Criminals' guns are rarely left at crime scenes. When guns are left behind, it usually is because a crook has been seriously injured or killed and the police are poised to catch him anyway.

  The few guns left at crime scenes rarely - if ever - are registered to the perpetrator. If they are registered at all, it is to someone else, whose piece was stolen. Despite what Mrs. Pelosi might think, those who use guns to commit major crimes such as robbing and killing are unlikely to respect her request to file paperwork so the government can catalog the tools of their trade.

  Numerous examples disprove gun-control propaganda. Hawaii has had licensing and registration of guns for about 50 years. After all of the administrative expenses and inconvenience imposed on gun owners, police there cannot point to a single crime that has been solved as a result of those programs. Given Hawaii's remote island geography, this should be an ideal place to keep track of guns because movement in and out of the state is limited and legal importation is controlled. If registration is going to work anywhere, it should work there. Unfortunately, criminals seem to be able to get their hands on guns virtually anyplace in the world.

  Other jurisdictions with a history of strict handgun bans, such as the District of Columbia and Chicago, have even required registration of hunting rifles and shotguns for more than 20 years. Neither the District nor Chicago can point to any crimes that have been solved using registration records.

  The same rules apply across the border. Canada, which has imposed registration of handguns since the 1930s, does not have much to show for it. In 2006, when the Liberal Party under Prime Minister Paul Martin controlled the government, it was admitted in parliamentary debate that just three crimes in 70 years had been solved as a result of registration. A couple of those cases were debatable because other independent evidence helped solve the crimes. 

  According to the Canadian Ministry of Public Safety, just 4 percent of Canadian handgun murders in 2005 and 2006 were committed with registered handguns, and none of those were registered to the people who committed the crimes. As for long-gun registration, at least as of 2006, not a single violent crime had been solved through registration.

  Because registration doesn't help solve crime, it is important to ask why government wants to register the people's firearms. History provides the answer. In countries from Australia to England, registration has been used to create lists of guns that later were confiscated by their governments. Despite Mrs. Pelosi's assurances to the contrary, Americans' fear that registration will lead to confiscation is well-founded. Indeed, Mrs. Pelosi's own state of California already has used existing registration lists to confiscate so-called assault weapons just a half-dozen years ago.

  The speaker claims registration won't lead to gun confiscation because of the Supreme Court decision in District of Columbia v. Heller, which struck down the District's handgun ban last June. She knows full well that this judgment was based on a narrow 5-4 decision that could be reversed when President Obama gets his opportunity to appoint an additional liberal justice to the court.

  A Gallup poll released Wednesday shows that support for gun control is "at an all-time low" since the issue started being surveyed nearly 50 years ago. According to Gallup, just 29 percent favor handgun bans. Now that Democrats are in control of the legislative and executive branches of government, even the will of the people won't keep them from going after the guns of law-abiding Americans.